Good Day

I am grateful for good days. Lately I have felt "out of sorts" and when you are a person who has been highly medicated most of her life for depression and anxiety, there is always the fear that you may not pop out of it. I have been doing great without meds for 2 years now, but in the back of my mind I remember darker times, and I wonder if I can pull it off forever. So last night I told myself I was just going to settle down with a lighthearted book and relax my mind. I remembered a book that I borrowed from my grandmas bookshelf that was written by the Yorgansens. They are good LDS authors that I read often so I figured I couldn't go wrong....

The Krystal Promise....it was written in 1981 and although it is a well written account of a true story it is no where near a light hearted book to read if you are feeling down. No joke...it is about a lds family of 6 who goes camping and a fire starts in the camper. The parents and children rush out and as they are out they realize the 18 mth old baby is still inside. They do all they can, but in the end they watch their camper in flames knowing their little girl is trapped inside being burned alive. This of course is awful for anyone, but when the baby inside is described exactly like your 18 mth old, blonde, dark eyed baby, it hits even harder.

So here I am crying my eyes out as she describes that before the accident her little one wanted her to hold her but she was too busy making dinner. She remembers how the little girl was so curious and always sneaking off and getting into something. I recalled my day with Cheyenne and knew that was how my day went as well. The book continues as the family, mostly the mom, deal with the guilt and grief of losing this baby. They found help in their faith and were able to deal with their pain, but it ends as they realize that it is His plan, but they still long to hold her. Thanks to a feel good book...

It didn't lift my spirits, but it did get me thinking about how I react to the kids on the busy days. I know that when I am frustrated I need to focus on being more patient with them. So I prayed that I would be able to refocus myself for today...

Then Cheyenne woke up 3 times and screamed at me before 5 am and I laid in bed thinking, this is just not going to work today, and I felt the crappy mood creep up. But I tried to focus on the kids today and just let them determine the day. I thought about all of the fun things that we could go do. The problem is I am not a big fan of social places---I get more anxiety and it creates a hectic, stressed mom. So we played cards at home(maddies favorite), colored(I vaccumed the house during this time and checked facebook while they were busy:), walked to Maverick to get a slurpee, played in the water as I washed the car, read stories, watched the Bee Movie and hunted for bugs in the backyard. Just a good old fashioned, popsicle-eating day. In the book they had that poem about letting the dishes sit, and the cob webs collect, and taking the time to enjoy the kids while they are young. BUT, isn't it important to have a clean home and a dinner on the table too? I struggle to find the balance somedays.

The Ladybug they found---we are already have 2 snails, a caterpillar and a tadpole and I am proud to say I did not let them keep this creature, despite the begging:)All of my kids love bugs! I wasn't sure how Chyenne would react but seh was trting ot get her turn in! I found her playing, and stretching one of Maddie's worms the other day:) She got mad when I took her new friend away but it was really gross:)