10 Year Anniversary...the love story

We have been married for 10 years! I think 10 years is a big accomplishment for anybody but for the girl I was 10 years ago, it is HUGE...Here is our love story:

Technically, I gues you could say it started at this dance, although we never said a word to each other, or know each others names. My cousin asked if I wanted to come with a bunch of his friends from Taylorsville High. I saw Rob and noticed he was the only tall guy in the group, and incredibly cute...but alas he was chicken and never talked to me. And that was that...

Let me introduce each of us before we became a "us". Rob graduated 2 years before me and went off to Italy. Ironically that same cousin of mine from the dance was his companion. Ironically enough this picture of him and Rob was on my wall at college. My cousin read some of my  letters to Rob and he said "man, your cousin is hot, but she is crazy"...that pretty much sums it up:)

Enter crazy lady....I know this may get wordy but I was a complex person:) I will skip to age 17 when I was diganosed with Excessive anxiety, depression, OCD and body dysmorphic disorder....they put me on high dose of meds and therapy 1/wk. I was given "special" books to read to help me love myself. You think with all of the therapy I would have an idea of why I was crazy but mostly it is a mixture of genetics, low self esteem, and MOSTLY society. I say mostly society because I had an obsession with perfection that reached dangerous levels...and I could never reach the level I felt I should be at so welcome in depression, anxiety and OCD. I like to give crazy examples because now they seem really funny, although it was difficult then. I was not able to look at the car windows as I walked through a parking lot because I would see my reflection and be depressed and anxious about soemthing that didn't look right. ..same thing with my shadow. I would carry makeup with me everywhere to fix anything. I was terrified of what others thought of me so just walking into a room would have me doing my breathing exercises. I would drive 20 miles out of the way just to go to "my" gas station and then wait for "my" pump. I was afraid of anything different. I also couldn't eat in front of anyone. I was so afraid of making mistakes. With food I would eat little until no one was watching and then eat fast.

 

Then along came the man-hater feminist.... I had particular fears relating to men. I couldn't go to the store register if the cashier was a guy. I would have anxiety attacks being in the same room with guys. You can imagine my social life. I didn't date...ever. Can you imagine this crazy lady on a date? I had bad experiences with men as a teenager; I had a teacher who thought it was okay to hug me alot, play with my hair and whisper compliments to me during class. That same year another teacher, just 10 years older than me, also made it known to me that if I was a little bit older, and talked to me a little to personally. I felt uncomfortable but my classmates would say "Luuucky", or "thats what you get for being beautiful"... I trusted men a little less that year, and became fearful thinking that all men fit that stereotype. From fear came bitterness..enter the feminist....

I went to SUU determined to make a career woman out of me. At that point I had no worries that guys would ask me on dates---I intimidated men as my special talent:) I made sure they were afraid of me before they could get close enough to hurt me. Not to subtle either...at one point I had a Ken doll with a noose around his neck and a sign that said "All men welcome" on our apartment door:) One roommate had her guy friend try to kiss me and got a punch in the nose...

 

I think everyone reahces a point where they know something has to change. I reached that point in college where all I did was lay in my bed in the dark and think about hurting myself with anything sharp. I cried a few hundred times every day and prayed a lot. I didn't want to be afraid or depressed anymore. So I started "man-haters" anonymous...and I was the only member. My roommates indulged me with balloons, a cake and I set goals to be more kind and attempt to befriend men. I had a gift of saying the meanest, smartest, most sarcastic comments to guys without thinking...so this was more difficult than it appears:)

By the time the year at SUU ended I felt I needed to be back home and maybe even attempt dating.

Enter Rob again: He came home from Italy, started dating an old friend. He got dumped a few months later and was pretty bitter towards women. So naturally we would make a good couple...if we didn't kill each other:)

His mom had tickets to the Bees game and told him he HAD to bring a date. So he called up my cousin and asked to set it up. Which shows how shallow men can be...he referred to me as the hot but crazy cousin, but still wanted to test it out. 

 

Because I was making a fresh start I agreed to go out. We talked on the phone for an hour or so and I felt comfortable with him. The date was set for 2 weeks since I was going on the pioneer trek and he was going on a 50 mile hike exursion the next week. 

 

So at 19 yrs and 5 mths, I went on my first date. When he came to my door he was so good looking I felt that flutter:) All I remember from that date is "I DID IT" ! I didn't punch him and he didn't say anything to me that would make me want to punch him:) I didn't really think about dating him again; I was just beginning and going to start dating a bunch of different guys. But I liked him if he happened to call me...

He did call me..after the chicken's mom dialed the number and threw it at him:)

That date was a little anxious...people watching me eat pizza and bowling...deep breathing and trying to just have fun like a regular person. I did really like the kissing part I must add..fabulous:)

Now I have to insert here so you understand why I did what I did: get married when I did, being the person that I was still. I had received a special blessing when I was 15 that I would know who I was to marry beyond a doubt through personal inspiration. I didn't really know what that meant until our 4th date. As I sat there next to him and listened to his friends mission talk...I was overcome with a strange feeling that I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to marry Rob. I knew, but I was terrified and left crying and shaky for the remainder of the day.

Then it all just started happening. We started planning what the wedding would be like. He did officially propose to me, but we had already made the officially wedding date by then....6 mths from our first date. I think I said "sure" and cried in his shoulder...pretty sure they were terrified tears.

I tried on bridal gowns though anxiety attacks, and my mom arranged everything else. My dad gave me a blessing and a paper sack as I hyperventilated a week before the wedding....I told my therapist I was getting married and she tried to talk me out of it....so there goes that therapist. How do you tell someone you are terrified beyond words to be married but you feel God wants you to? I think she would give me extra meds:)

I know it sounded crazy to anyone who knew me and received my weddding invite...But I just knew and couldn't explain it. But I was afraid because I knew me. I still struggled eating in front of him. He would look at me so intensely and all I could of 10 things wrong with me that he was looking at. On my way to his house once I had to drop by the store for cover up because I made the mistake of looking at my reflection in the car....It took so much effort for me to pretend I was perfect that it was exhausting to think of doing it 24/7 as a married couple. 

Bridal shower

 The big day came! I am happy to say that we were married in the Salt Lake temple and I felt calm and happy. Then comes happily ever after right?

 I had changed crazy meds and also got the birth control shot that month and I went into a deep depression. Our "funny" story--funny now but not then:) I was in the corner floor of our apartment literally rocking back and forth trying to focus on not hurting myself. Rob came home and went to make a sandwich and couldn't find a knife.  I told him that I put them out in the garage away from myself. He went and got one and continued on. This is how it went: I wouldn't talk to him about my problems and he pretended they weren't there. And I wore makeup to bed for at least the first year. I was afraid he would wake up and realize he got a crappy deal.

We had fun times too. We went on a honeymoon when we had a break from school.

We both got new jobs and we moved from the tiny, dark basement apartment to the upstairs and it was a good change for us. Then came even  bigger changes....

Megan. We became foster parents. Not like we signed up for it exactly. My cousin was losing her kids and needed a place for them to stay temporally until she could get back on her feet. I felt like 6 yr old Megan should live with us. I asked Rob if it was okay, not quite sure what his reaction would be...but he agreed. Should a crazy lady still struggling with depression and her marriage in general take in a child? Sounds like a logical question, but once again I "felt" that it was what we should do, without knowing why. Looking back I realize what that did for us. I stopped thinking about myself and got out of bed to take care of her. I wanted to give her a better life than she had. As for Rob I started seeing the dad version of him as he played games and really cared for her. I think that time strengthened us as a couple. After 6 mths she left us instead, after we were starting to make plans to adopt her. It was an emotional time for sure, but we were tired of the stress of the foster system and our lack of control in it.  Luckily, I was barely pregnant with Madison and was distracted with the thought of my new baby coming soon.

It has been 10 years and obviously a lot more events that happened in our life. We have 4 adorable kids now. At first it seemed we didn't have much in common. He loves to watch, play, think of sports...and I would rather clean the toilets than to sit through one:) But we have more important things in common like raising our children, we both strive to grow in our testomonies, we enjoy playing games together, just talk for hours, enjoy the outdoors camping, gardening and yard work, and this past year we started beekeeping. This year is chickens and 2 more hives.

We have learned in 10 years how to communicate better...although he likes and is able to share feelings more than me, he has taught me a great deal. I no longer wear makeup to bed anymore and wonder if he will still love me....I have learned to trust more. We are excited to spend our 30's watching our children grow and teach them new things. But also looking forward to times where we can more easily sneak away ourselves without babysitters. I think of my wedding day 10 years ago and the scared girl I was and I am grateful for the growth we have both been through individually and as a couple. Mostly, I am grateful that despite the fears and obstacles in the way, I had a Heavenly Father let me know what was in store for me when I couldn't see it myself....

And the kissing is still fabulous:)