running vs. antidepressants...what works for me

A month ago I started to run. My motivation was a fundraiser for my cousin, and I am so grateful for that push.  My main goal wasn't to lose tons of weight, although I am still hoping the "Elasti-girl" rear to tone down a bit:)

9 years ago I became pregnant and my body was put on a rental program from then on:) I loved being pregnant and having all of those experiences so I was content with it. Now I have my fourth and last child and I feel a sense of loss almost that I will not be able to go through all of that again. I could. But I feel like we are in the next stage of our lives of watching these 4 grow. Honestly I don't want to have another one, but I miss being in it. I think I am struggling making that transition.

I have struggled with anxiety, depression, OCD and body dysmorphic disorder for almost 15 years and I have reached my 4 year anniversary without meds this year. But in the past few months I have noticed more down days than up, more insecurity and anxiety....I was medicated for 8 years on 4 different types of meds, 3 different therapists, and every self help book, positive affirmations posted on my wall, and when I was pregnant with my 3rd I felt ready to go off of it as he suggested. I never looked back until recently. I am not against meds....at one point in my life I needed that extra help. But even with medication I believe you have to do your part.

I have to surround myself with good music, attend the temple monthly, pray, read my scriptures daily and on those days I wake up and feel dread, I have to talk myself through it and try extra hard that day. If it makes me anxious I know I have to face it. If I feel like my husband doesn't notice me and  think something must be wrong with me, I have to tell myself to grow up and move on. It doesn't come without effort, and it started to get more difficult recently. I let meds cross my mind, but didn't want to go back there. But I also remember depression, anxiety, and the darkness I lived in...and I wouldn't let myself get there again either....So I started to run.

The first couple times I was barely able to make it 2 minutes out there...I may have given up, but I wanted to support my cousin at this 5k, so I pushed, and by my 7th run I was able to run 30 minutes...I increased my run every night. I ran my first 5K 20 days later in 32 minutes 56 sec and it was great and addicting...I did a 6K Oct 8th and placed 73 out of 664 runners. I shouldn't have ran 4 miles the night before though, because I was exhausted for the race.

Something happens out there that I need. For the first time in a long time I have something that is all about me. Not about the kids or my husband, or the house. I find time to do things like scrapbook or read and it has kept me sane. But running makes me feel like it is finally my body and my time. I run 4 miles and I sweat and I am tired, but energized at the same time. I feel powerful, and healthy and...happy. I am wearing running shoes, a ponytail, and little makeup but it makes me feel confident and sexy...huh, who knew. Maybe it's the serotonin that makes me feel great, maybe it's the independence I have adopted, or just taking care of myself that makes me feel good.

6 years ago I had the most amazing experience delivering AJ naturally and I have replayed it in my head over and over. It was exhausting, uncomfortable, and  sweaty, but exhilarating and powerful and amazing....I probably won't be able to experience that again...but when I am out there running I get a glimpse of that and it makes me feel amazing...and I am grateful.